Kinsey reported that at least 50 per cent of men he surveyed enjoy being bitten. Presumably, within that number there are men who are aroused by the idea of being eaten alive. It's not unrealistic that something like this would turn your crank, especially since some of the only sexually explicit material provided to us as children were nature shows—where animals were depicted mating and hunting.

Don't even get me started on my own little childhood tryst with the book Born Free by Joy Adamson. The purely instinctual aspect of animal rituals is undoubtedly exciting, and casting yourself in the role of prey doesn't seem at all unusual.

The larger question, of course, is how do lesbians do anything, but let's stick to the one at hand. I don't want to come across as patronizing, but have you never watched a porno movie? The lesbians lick each other in a perfunctory fashion for five minutes and then a guy comes in and fucks both of them.

Oh, great. It's bad enough that some of the best-looking men around are homos, now you gotta come over here and start rooting through the leftovers like some bear at a campground. Shoo, shoo! You're just stuck in the Forbidden Fruit Loop, that's all. I know plenty of gay guys who are gaga for straight men, and tonnes of women who are attracted to gay men. We all want what we can't have. Nothing new about that.

I'm only guessing that a sex-change operation is out of the question (although if you are considering this, I've got first dibs on your penis), so I would say the best place for you is the downtown Y. Plenty o' picnic baskets in there, and a little exercise never killed anyone. It's generally a more quiet environment and people tend not to be idiotically drunk. And thank heaven the straight boys are going to gay bars. Not that all fags have natty duds- in fact, I've seen some fashion violations at Woody's that continue to haunt me—but they could use a few tips from those of you who don't believe Drakkar Noir and black jeans are the definitive fashion statements of the 21st century.

"Bottom" has several subtle definitions, but generally, it means someone who prefers to play the submissive role in a sexual exchange, specifically one that involves sadomasochistic play, though he may also have been implying that he enjoys being the penetrated one rather than the penetrator in more conventional sexual situations. The New Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, may be of interest to you, as well as The Bald-Headed Hermit & the Artichoke, a sexual thesaurus by A.D. Peterkin. Won't your gay friends be wowed when you tell them you copped an Arabian Goggles from your hubby last night!

Whhaaatt? Did you just come stumbling out of a time machine with the sign from Wicked? I could tell you that being a loud-mouthed queer myself, I've earned the right to use these words whenever and however the hell I want, but it's more appropriate to say that as a word-lover, I adore them. Despite the fact that these are common colloquialisms used by many queers to describe themselves, the words fag and dyke are still so evocative. They carry with them the threat of sexual lawlessness, of prurience and pulp-fiction novels and a real hard-earned history. These are words that the gay community fought to make their own, to empower and sexualize, and I use them myself with great affection, though sometimes just casually. I can't believe you wouldn't understand the difference between applying them with ill intent and applying them with respect and privilege. Get a brain.