Switching a boyfriend to a booty call is a little like going from staff to freelance. Gone are all the comforts a contract offers, and because of this it can be a very treacherous transition. You are no longer allowed to count on anything ever at any time from this man, likely to the point of exasperation. In fact, many people make a point of being deliberately difficult in this phase as a way of getting back at you for diminishing the commitment. "You're not the boss of me anymore" is a lot more loaded than a simple "you're not the boss of me."

If this sounds like a good environment in which to build camaraderie, then by all means, be the first person in the universe to make it happen. But it sounds like you care too much for him to really negotiate fucking your way into a friendship with any patience or grace. If you're fighting, it means things are still heated and, if things are still heated, well, friction is only going to make them ignite. Again, one of the things about having someone as a lover and not as a boyfriend or girlfriend is that you have way less agency over when, how and why you get to see them. While this can be a really great thing, it takes a lot of work to negotiate when you've had a previous emotional commitment (and one that was drama-filled, on top of it).

The way I see it, you've got to pick one relationship or the other: friend or ho. For now, anyway. And, of course, if you pick ho I don't need to tell you that being non-union means you also don't have a health plan. So condoms, please.

You've got a recently hospitalized mother on your hands and rather than say, "Baby, I'm really sorry your mom isn't well, that must be so stressful for you," your boyfriend is giving you grief over his dick? Tell him to get off your hole. Seriously, he's lucky he's getting any pussy at all, never mind one that's caring enough to hold his cock through what is no doubt an already traumatic time.

Your sex life is going to be compromised for a while and you and he need to just relax and let that happen while this new phase sorts itself out. If he can't put his penis aside for one moment and support you through this, you've got a real problem on your hands for sure. The lovemaking is undoubtedly a great way to get your mind off a crisis, but if it's only adding to the stress, then you've got to step back or change up how you're doing it. Snuggles, massages and making out should be on the top of the menu right now.

Because I love Darren O'Donnell's work so much and because I think the topic is under-represented in both sexual academia and the arts, please read this: "Performance company Mammalian Diving Reflex wants to talk to older adults about sex and sexuality over the course of a lifetime. We are currently researching a show about aging and sexuality and we want to talk to older adults who are very open about their current sex life and how their sexuality has evolved over the years. Initially we want to interview people for two hours. The interview will be audio recorded, no video." For more information and to get involved, please contact artistic director Darren O'Donnell: darren@mammalian.ca or call him at 416-642-5772.